"Summer Movies" Ted is Unbearable!"

Well I paid my first summer visit to the movie theater yesterday. I could have seen any one of a number of films  ‘Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter’, ‘Prometheus’, ‘Snow White’, ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’, ‘Savages’ or some smaller budget films like ‘Seeking a Friend for the End of the World’ or ‘Moonrise Kingdom’ both of which I hear are very good. And I suppose if I had looked long enough I could have found some of the early summer releases that I missed like ‘Dark Shadows’, ‘Men in Black’, ‘Battleship’ or ‘The Avengers’, playing at some discount theater somewhere, but instead I went to see ‘Ted’ the comedy hit I’ve been hearing so much about.. Ugh, what a disappointment!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad movie, it could have definitely been worse. But it also could have been so much more. I found it only mildly amusing. On a scale of 1 – 10 I give it a very generous 5! I found myself moved to a smile from time to time, while many around me were engaged in gut wrenching, side splitting laughter. At times I had to wonder if we were watching the same movie. There were several times that I asked myself why I was still sitting there instead of making for the exit. I suppose I was hoping it would get better, but it never did. The acting wasn’t half bad. Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis of ‘That 70’s Show” fame displayed a bit of chemistry and were quite good considering the material they had to work with, but overall the movie is weak and relies extensively on it’s heavy-handed vulgarity.     

Sad really, because it’s really got a great premise, a young boy, John, who has difficulty making friends, makes a special Christmas wish and suddenly his new Christmas gift, a large, stuffed teddy bear, comes to life and becomes his very best friend. Yeah, it could have made for a very cute “G” or “PG” or even “PG13 movie and packed the theaters with kids and their families if they’d chosen to make that movie and focus on the adventures of the kid and his Teddy  growing up together. They could have even thrown in some high school humor and hi-jinx for the teens. It could have worked.

Instead the movie spends about five minutes on the kid angle and immediately jump into the  future where we get to deal with a grown up, thirty-five year old John and his foul mouthed, stuffed bear buddy, a real party animal. Jumping into adulthood allowed the production to go for the “R” rated crass and crude approach which it did handily. The movie is filled with bongs, beer, vulgar, racial and gay jokes, scantily clad women and a shitload of trashy toilet humor. I tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many fart jokes in a single film and the crap pile on the rug sequence was over the top! What a waste. 

This is definitely not a kids movie, it’s highly inappropriate. Yet there were several families with kids around eight or nine years old, in attendance. It was ridiculous. I don’t understand how any decent parent could bring their children to see a piece of crap like ‘Ted”. Certainly says something about societies decaying morals doesn’t it?  Seems like almost anything is acceptable. How do films like this get made anyway? This was a throwback to the day’s of “Animal House’ and Porky’s, and even those films were done more tastefully than “Ted”. Ted is just a real stinker! But I guess if you throw enough crap at the screen some of it is bound to stick!  

I highly recommend you avoid this movie! But then, like me, your curiosity may get the best of you. Fortunately for me I didn’t have to pay regular price. Thank God for budget matinees.

Just Saying…


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