"The Academy Awards! (Yawn) Just Tell Me Who Won"

Oscar-2013-Nominations-List-cover2Did you happen to catch the Academy Awards this past weekend? I didn’t. Well that’s only partially correct. I did kinda, sorta see the first 20 minutes or so, but believe me, not by choice. I was kicking it in the family room Sunday evening watching TV and organizing my Ipod when my wife came in and announced that the Academy Awards were on. I sat there pretending not to hear her, hoping she wouldn’t ask me to change the channel and she didn’t which was surprising. I looked up and she was just standing there giving me the ‘look’. Of course I immediately asked her if she wanted to watch the awards to which she replied, with what I can best describe as a mock smile, that she did indeed.

Needless to say I changed channels only to find that the show hadn’t actually started. What was on was the funky pre-awards red carpet show. One of the celebrity greeters was some very short actress with an unusual and annoying voice. I don’t know her name but recognized her from the short lived ABC series GCB. (“Good Christian Bitches”) As luck would have it I was in the process of transferring music from a stationary hard drive to my Ipod and was forced to sit through about 15 minutes of the pre show. It certainly wasn’t very entertaining, more like boring.

Then the big moment arrived and the show began! I gotta tell you the academy awards show does nothing for me, I just don’t get that sense of wonder and magic  from all the glitz and the glamour. In fact I’d enjoy it more if they’d just announce the winners the same way that they announce the nominees. Short and sweet, just tell me who the winners are! That would definitely work. But no, this is Hollywood’s big moment, their time to shine!

Unfortunately the big show began poorly. I was not overly impressed by this year’s choice for host. The opening monologue by host Seth McFarlane was extremely weak. It would have been much better if the academy had chosen one McFarlane’s ‘Family Guy’ characters to host the show or they could have had ‘Ted’ as the host, now that would have been funny! Hey Donald Duck actually co-hosted with Bob Hope one year so maybe the time has come for an animated host. Better yet why not use some of our modern day computer wizardry and resurrect or should I say re-create one of the great hosts from the past. that would be awesome!

Seth McFarlane just didn’t cut it. His jokes simply weren’t funny. Where did he get that stupid Lincoln cell phone joke anyway? Whoever wrote that for him should be fired. And his jabs at Chris Brown and Mel Gibson were weak and outdated. Then in the midst of the monologue there was a surprise visit from the future by Capt Jame T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise who’d traveled back in time to save the show, a mission he failed miserably. The skit was funny for a minute or two but went on for far too long.

The skit actually started with a boob! I mean a bang! No, I mean boobs, a song about boobs, “We Saw Your Boobs” from the animated series ‘Family Guy’, and why not since the series was created by the host. Again funny for a minute or two, but my God, the song went on and on and on. However it was actually very appropriate. Did you see some of those dresses some of the stars were wearing? I’ve never seen so much cleavage at the Oscar’s at least since last year. In some cases it was a whole lot more than cleavage! It was more like a boob fest than an awards show! during family hours no less!

The boob song that wouldn’t end was followed by a sock puppet parody of the movie ‘Flight’ that really socked – I mean sucked and should have never made the show. That’s about the time that my files finished transferring and I was able to safely remove my Ipod. As I was leaving the family room a Sally Fields flying nun skit was just starting. It looked like it was going to be bad. Thankfully I got out just in time.

billy-crystal-hosts-the-academy-awards-1990-2004-21acThat my friends was my Academy Awards experience this year. I confess I did watch last years telecast but only because Billy Crystal was the host. Before that I don’t believe I’ve watched an entire academy awards show since 2004, when Crystal again hosted. He does a great job. Who can ever forget the year he was wheeled on stage on a hand truck muzzled like Hannibal Lecter! Now that was funny!

Just Saying…



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